A HOPELESS SOUL AND A MOMENT

Sometimes you need to speak and sometimes you need to write. Mostly the latter is the better way to express our thoughts. In my case it´s too late maybe and surely not a good occasion to start with it. But then what is a good occasion if the mind wanders relentlessly night by night and pushes your thoughts forward.

A word. A fact. What seemed to be the most natural consequence to fight negative feelings like sadness, desperation or fear turned out to be an impossible act to do – Keeping the faith.

But many a times we´re expected to do exactly that. Wouldn´t everyone say ´keep the faith´ for that things get better if we´re going through a tough time and suffer hardships? Those words come flattering yet not powerful enough when God has other plans with one´s life. God becomes a thief all of a sudden. He bereaves you of your belief in those 3 words. That can be a second, just a moment and one knows they have slipped out of one´s mind and won´t come back. On the other hand we all are the architects of our own fortune. If we take a stroll down memory lane everyone of us can say he was lucky, has seen the beauty of life unfolding in front of him and lived happily at least once. We had it all, so why do we complain? Actually there is no concrete answer to that because everyone is an individual with individual imaginations and wishes of what his life shall look like.

Still there´s an answer - we complain if those things that made us feel comfortable, those we considered to be there as a matter of course or those we took as granted, vanish. Other things take their place. Exactly those things, also happenings, we didn´t count in, weren´t prepared for and never thought of them to happen to us at all, suddenly find a place in our daily routine and everyday activities. They fill us with frustration, depression, anxiety, grief and heartache. At that point one doesn´t see anything, neither with the eyes nor with the heart. All one is, is being shocked. Until one understands what has happened the issues become worse. They bring along restrictions and limitations maybe that we of course refuse to accept. So we start fighting. We want back what we had earlier and what was ours.

That journey we are then on demands a certain amount of strength and willpower. Unless one doesn´t get off course he manages to get through all given circumstances well enough to not struggle. But what if we struggle? If it prevails, it weakens us more and more as one doesn´t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel again. Every effort we make to not let that happen is a tough challenge of its own. We go on with hope in the heart though. Sometimes we fall but each time we get up anew trying to change the situation, still unaware of what it will turn out to be. If one then sees in the end he won´t get out of it at all, not only has he put in a lot of effort that is silently gone to waste, also isn´t there any hope left. One simply doesn´t feel anything anymore and goes blank like a book whose white pages won´t be filled with a colourful, happy-ending story ever.